This morning I was in the shower, and since there is where I do my best thinking, I was going over different things in my mind. There was my to-do list, my random crazy thoughts, my brain badgering me over things I did in 1997, and some pretty hard questions about why I’m so stressed and frustrated here lately.
One of those hard questions was why my faith has been so weak. My head has been in a state of pain since Tuesday (maybe, the days have been fogging together this week) and it’s been so bad that I’ve been nauseated and fairly useless. I’ve been taking meds and praying a lot that God will just take this away. But it seems like God’s not hearing me. This morning, I texted my Mom, and within two cups of coffee, I noticed the pain had decreased greatly. I couldn’t help but think: Oh, good, Mom’s prayed. But that sort of hurt and really pointed out the fact that my prayer wasn’t working. I just felt like my prayer was ineffective.
Which is why my brain decided to start asking me the hard questions in the shower.
I have realized that basically, two months have passed since I’ve done a devotional, updated my reading log, read, journal in my prayer journal or really humbled myself down to be in prayer. I also realized I haven’t really felt the spirit of the Lord in just as long. And truthfully I’m not really sure what happened.
But I feel like I can boil it down to the fact that I stop putting forth the effort I needed to. I’ve stopped trying. Now I’m not off in left field going to bat with the hard-hitting lows of life. But I’m also just not in the game.
I have to say I’m pretty disappointed in myself. I know my behavior over the last few weeks hasnt’ been bad, but it hasn’t been good. So what I’m trying to put out here is that I know what is going on. I want to change it. But I am capable of just changing. I have to get back into my prayer closet and cling to the Rock. Find myself worshipping, praising, and clinging to God. Not the world. Not the things going on. Not to my frustrations. I have to speak the word, feed on the word. Listen to the beautiful words my pastor and teachers.
I have to keep myself in the try zone, in the game, in the desire to stay in faith. I have to be the person God made me be.
I have to put forth of the effort, it’s not just gonna happen.
So if you read this, pray for me. Because I’m human and I fail and falter. I’m taking a journey, and I want it to end with me reaching my heavenly Father. But I want to find the joy and happiness that he promises in life as well. I want this life to be good, full of God’s promises.
But that is where I am today. Where are you?